You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘parenting’ tag.

Parenting: Gardening? Or Carpentry

By   Shlomo Maital

 

I have not yet read Alison Gopnik’s 2016 book, The Gardener and the Carpenter – but I am writing about it, after hearing her on a Hidden Brain podcast. I will certainly read this book soon and highly recommend it. Gopnik is a professor of psychology at U. of California, Berkeley.

   Here is her main argument about our children: We worry too much and do too much for them: children flourish when they are given freedom. When it comes to looking after kids, be a gardener not a carpenter . ‘Parents should be like gardeners. The aim is to provide a protected space in which children can become themselves’

   In Gopnik’s metaphor – a carpenter builds a table or a bookshelf, starting with a plan, and then executes the plan. Some parents think parenting is like carpentry – plan the children’s nature, and development, and see it unfold according to plan.

   Gopnik sees parenting as gardening.   Create a secure, rich environment for children. Turn them loose. Watch them grow and develop.   Be prepared for many surprises. Give them freedom to explore who they are and what they want. And then, like a garden, watch the results, that will often amaze, maybe sometimes sadden, you.  

   Here is a small experiment that conveys this message:

     In 2011, a team of psychologists did an experiment with some preschool children. The scientists gave the children a toy made of many plastic tubes, each with a different function: one squeaked, one lit up, one made music and the final tube had a hidden mirror. With half the children, an experimenter came into the room and bumped – apparently accidentally – into the tube that squeaked. “Oops!” she said. With the other children, the scientist acted more deliberately, like a teacher. “Oh look at my neat toy! Let me show you how it works,” she said while purposely pressing the beeper. The children were then left alone to play with the toy.

     In the “accidental” group, the children freely played with the toy in various random ways. Through experimenting, they discovered all the different functions of the tubes: the light, the music, the mirror. The other group, the children who had been deliberately taught how to use the toy by the teacher, played with it in a much more limited and repetitive way. They squeaked the beeper over and over again, never discovering all the other things the toy could do.

     Gopnik observed, in the podcast, that “parenting” is a relatively new word, a 20th C. word. And it implies a measure of control, of shaping, of design, of ‘carpentry’. Of course, parents educate children, teach them values, and keep them safe. But all this, she says, should be done in an atmosphere of discovery and exploration.  

     A book review sums it up well:   “To seek to parent a child, Gopnik argues, is to behave like a carpenter, chiselling away at something to achieve a particular end-goal – in this case, a certain kind of person. A carpenter believes that he or she has the power to transform a block of wood into a chair.  When we garden, on the other hand, we do not believe we are the ones who single-handedly create the cabbages or the roses. Rather, we toil to create the conditions in which plants have the best chance of flourishing. The gardener knows that plans will often be thwarted, Gopnik writes. “The poppy comes up neon orange instead of pale pink … black spot and rust and aphids can never be defeated.” If parents are like gardeners, the aim is to create a protected space in which our children can become themselves, rather than trying to mould them.”

    

Advertisements

Blog entries written by Prof. Shlomo Maital

Shlomo Maital
June 2019
M T W T F S S
« May    
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Pages

Archives

Advertisements