Choosing a Mate? Trust Your Gut…Trust Me!
By Shlomo Maital
Few personal decisions rival in importance our choice of a mate. And few decisions are as random. At an age when hormones rage, we date a few times and then pick a mate, hoping for the best. If it doesn’t work out too well, we try again.
What do we know about this process that can possibly help young people make better mating decisions? With divorce rates very high in most countries, this is definitely a problem.
Now comes research by a team from UCLA, showing what I’ve believed for a long time (and written about before in this blog). * Listen to your gut! When choosing a mate, listen to your intuition, your inner voice, If it tells you, No!, tell your hormones to sit down and shut up.
Justin Lavner and colleagues asked 464 recently married spouses whether “they had ever been uncertain about getting married” and then compared 4-year divorce rates and marital satisfaction trajectories among those partners with and without premarital doubts. Doubts were reported by at least one partner in two thirds of couples. Women with premarital doubts had significantly higher 4-year divorce rates, even when controlling for many or all other factors. Among intact couples, “doubts predicted less satisfied marital trajectories”. They conclude: “Valid [in your gut] precursors of marital distress are evident during couples’ engagement”.
In all decisions, not just choosing a mate, we should try to listen carefully to our inner voices. When our hormones are jamming the airwaves with urgent ‘yes’ messages, it’s often tough to hear that whispered intuitive ‘no’. It works both ways. A whispered ‘yes’ may be hard to hear, too. Let’s treat our guts as more than a place where food is processed. Let’s try to listen.
* Justin A. Lavner, Benjamin R. karney and Thomas N. Bradbury. “Do Cold Feet Warn of Trouble Ahead? Premarital Uncertainty and Four-year Marital Outcomes”. Journal of Family Psychology, 26 (6), 2012, 1012-1017.
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January 24, 2013 at 6:47 pm
Abdul Razak
I agree with your comment, But Hormones never allow the brain to think in a right direction to choose a right mate. When we with our mate, the hormones doesn’t allow for thinking of alternative action or to take decision.
Hormones works in such a way that we are with the right one. But once you really get into to the longtime relationship, then we realize, whether we are right or wrong.
June 4, 2013 at 8:49 am
Vira
For those of us with such things as ROCD it is really hard to tell apart the fake fears from the real issues. Therefore it is deceptive in choosing a mate. Regarding hormones though – sexual attraction is an important part of a happy complete relationship, you are not supposed to think straight when you are happy and in tune with your partner! If many of us thought too much about it nobody would ever get married or have a meaningful relationship ever! People would perish as a human race!
being in love is that very same feeling of carelessness and taking the leap of faith and being in the moment. Without it there is no such thing as happy relationship! And if anything does not last, well, maybe it shouldn’t? just like not everyone in the world is meant to have a family. I know I am not about that I have other callings.